Beach Drive

I really wonder if the body has a memory all of its own. I was on the bus today on the way to take my monkey to the beach. We were pack down with two large bags full of everything necessary for a fun day at the beach. We had buckets for making sand castles, sifters, shovels a trowel, spiny things, a tent for shade, snacks, sun screen hats and more. We were set to have an amazing time. Then, my chest started to tighten, my breath started to quicken my anxiety went up and I couldn't figure out why I was panicking. We turned a corner and then BOOM! The house I had my final midwife appointment popped into view and it got worse. I sat there looking down on my little girl slung to me in her tula and just kept breathing as she kept dinning in my bra. One could say that I knew it was coming; but to be fair, I was quite lost in that neighborhood, it was a different season and I didn't even know the address of the place nor where I was. So why is it my body knew before I did that this was where my hell began? Why did it act so strongly when I didn't realize what was going on?

To the woman I met tonight

To the woman I met tonight: I messaged you after reading your post in the local loss group we now both belong to and I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your little girl. After I lost Mitchell I never knew there were so many women like me who had lost a child. I wouldn't have believed anyone before if they told me the number of babies gone too soon because ignorantly I believed that didn't happen here in Canada or the United States or anywhere with decent healthcare and when it did it was so rare it would be in the papers. I whole heatedly believed that those naive ideas were the truth.

After Mitchells death a staggering amount of women came out from the shadows to tell me their stories and show me their scars. The tears in their souls made from their missing babies that had made them who they are. The scars wove patterns and paths through healing, numbness, friendships and losses all leading from their grief, some of which spanned over decades. Their stories gave me hope, they gave me comfort knowing I wasn't crazy for how I felt and, they gave me a new appreciation of how amazing these women truly are. Not one of these brave women could or would ever forget their lost child(ren) yet they learned to smile again.

Sometimes I think that is the first and hardest step to moving forward after a loss; learning to smile again after the numbness sets in. The numbness makes everything seem useless; like your running in a hamster ball pointlessly and going no where. Your friends come around expecting you to just perk up, and many get bored and move on without you. You are still there though, stuck in your hamster ball running for no reason, going nowhere, wishing everything would just stop the way you feel it should. Believe it or not, one day something silly will make you laugh again. I remember feeling guilty for those moments of happiness but, holding on to it for the seconds when you can, can makes such a difference. The feeling passes, and its back to the hamster ball. Over time though, there are more moments where you don't feel trapped inside the hamster ball and then the hamster ball is a place you visit from  time to time instead of being trapped there in your grief. That doesn't mean you don't grieve your child; I think it means you have also found a way to honor your child by living your life for them. My advice here would be one breath at a time (sometimes breathing can feel forced (who knew?)) and hold onto your memories.  Please remember, you are not alone. Reach out to ladies in the online support groups, while I might not be the person you want to talk with one of them will be. They are strong and courageous and will help by listening as best they can. You are not crazy or alone.

Anxiety

Depression and anxiety can be crippling. I have been battling it daily with some small success for what feels like forever. I have good days and bad which are related to numerous factors. My mother and her belittling comments and second guessing my parenting cause huge anxiety, my husband causes me anxiety, my dog and her standoffish-ness to people and how they are around her causes me a stupid amount of anxiety, my daughter and keeping her safe causes me anxiety. These anxieties and more have been draining and have caused me to take less care of myself, mentally and physically. If someone is drained they can not take care of others as well as they could if they were recharged, as you cant pour from an empty cup.

So what can be done for this? CHANGE I feel is the answer to finding a way to recharge. If I wasn't anxious then things wouldn't need to change and by choosing to not change, (this is also a decision) its accepting those fears and giving them more power than I should allow in my life. So I am working at them one step at a time to build a new and happier healthier me. The first step I am working towards is signing up for driving lessons which could mean a whole new freedom for me. I want to be able to go, I want to camp, to visit my dad, my husband and hike with my daughter and fur baby. I want to be able to go and not worry or feel like a burden. Another thing I plan on doing is taking better care of me. Today for instance I had my legs and under arms lazered to remove the hair. It was great. I cant wait to see the results. I have another 5 sessions to go! Another thing I plan on doing is a business Venture! I am so excited with this one but am not going to speak of it yet but it will keep me working productively!

You may wonder how revamping myself is going to help with my anxiety? Well it wont cure it, but I expect it might help as it will help me to make some changes in my life, to try new things and possibly even grow as a person and meet new people. While cleaning up my life may be a small first step for me in battling my anxiety, it is a step. It is seeing a light a the end of the tunnel, it is embracing change, it is a way to love me again and let me relax, and it is building an outlet for me to focus on when I am anxious so I don't just stay paralyzed with anxiety. This is my first step forward to freedom and a happier me.

So after reading above it looks like I am searching for a life ring. The fundamentals seem to be I feel trapped by my current circumstances, I am unhappy, I do not take pride in myself anymore, my relationships are crumbling and important people in my life have become draining, I worry constantly about my baby and fur baby and I feel like I am not being challenged in a way that I want and that my needs, wants and dreams are being sidelined constantly.

I am giving myself until September 5th 2016 to make a large change and course of action before doing any drastic changes.

So here are my smaller goals

I will loose 30 pounds
I will go out once a week for a treatment of some sort
I will set 3 small household goals a day
I will set one larger goal a day
I will do something awesome with my daughter every day

Fear-pure and simple

Tonight my stomach went to my mouth, literally as I sat by my computer talking to my sisters big sister. I send a message to her now and again saying hi and how are you. Tonight's response was scary, she was having possible complications and was in an ambulance. I was shocked, stunned and trying to run through my head what to say because my brain was just saying "oh fuck no, not yours too!"

I made sure to skirt my all time loathed line of "it will be okay" and "don't worry". I really tried to say the right thing, like "expect these monitors", "I know its scary", and "you are in an ambulance, you are under good care and doing everything you can" sort of stuff. I know it wasn't all that comforting but I cant make a stupid fufu promise that could be a lie.

While the messages stopped and she was being checked out, I mentally relived my loss over an over as my daughter kicked me while snuggling into the crook in my arm. My brain went through the timeline of how much time each thing took from being told my son had died to the blood work and ultrasounds that followed.

I was glued to my computer, impatiently waiting; praying that she didn't join this exclusive club of bereaved mothers (and I am not religious, but on the off chance, I am not above a simple prayer).

It seemed like a century to hear back- her baby was fine. but my brain was still in fear mode, comfort mode and above all protection mode. I sat on the couch wondering how many of my friends felt the same devastation and and reminiscence when they heard of our loss. I am pretty sure all of the other mothers who are members of our little club must have.

The raw side of love can be green...

Baby showers after a loss are hard, heartbreaking, nerve wracking, happy, loving, terrifying events and you pray they end fast or that you can leave quickly. You want to show the person how happy and excited you are for them and you are happy for them. But sometimes its hard- very hard to be a part of. I remember being at my sisters baby shower and waddling around. I was trying to run a game my mom had asked me to do for her and feeling my stomach and my heart were going to lay on the floor; I didn't want to be there. Later as she unwrapped her gifts it was lovely to see and be excited for her, her little Brookie or Ben; it was lovely to see everyone so excited for her too. Along with those feelings there was still this jealous green goblin in me, and she had been with me since I found out my sister was pregnant.

This may sound self centered but keep in mind a handful of months before I had been cradling my gorgeous but dead baby boy. I had gone through the entire pregnancy, labored, delivered him and praying that he really would be okay and the doctors were wrong. Yet, I was asked to run a baby shower in the same place mine had been for my son a year before for my sister who is almost 6 years my junior, who didn't wan't a baby (before) and didn't seem to comprehend the gift of motherhood. It seemed like a cruel and sick torture forced upon me by my mother. I really wanted to go home, and hide.

I managed to keep it together, to hide my fear and to avoid to people about my growing belly mostly because no one wanted to ask about it (probably in case for some horrid reason I would loose another baby).

Fast forward 17 months from this.

To this day, baby showers freak me out a bit. People want to touch my daughter at them now  (I'm not overly comfortable with strangers with my kid and shes currently 15 almost 16 months old and adorable). I don't like the anxiety they cause me but it has lessened with time. When a loss mama declines an invite to a baby-shower, please go easy on her; she still loves you and wants you and your baby to have every happiness. It is however an emotional minefield, and some days the added emotions can be overwhelming.

Journal Vs Baby book

Some days I just have to go back and compare notes between my two babies, their length, weight, head size and sit back and wonder. I look over Mitchells pregnancy book and compare it to the notes I put in the one for Emily. The two books are so different. Mitchells had pages filled with baby shower gifts and Emilys had so many pages left empty. Pages not filled out of fear and pages not filled because we skipped certain experiences such as the baby shower.

Something I found while pregnant with Emily is the lack of a pregnancy books for women that didn't have all of the baby showerve to s pages that had pages to fill in on how you were really feeling; were you scared? What were you looking forward to? I would love to see a baby book where there are sections for Extra scan pictures and bump measurements and pages you can write whatever you would like in without prompting. A place to log kick counts in the third trimester. I tried writing a diary but never kept up with it as ideas just didn't come out past "I am terrified but I have to stay positive as my daughter will read this one day and I don't want her to to feel badly about anything as my fears are not her fault" it didnt make for a great read about pregnancy details for her to look back on. Hopefully she knows I was scared because I love her too.

How could you not love that face?

11 pieces of mommy gear that have kept me sane(ish)

While I was pregnant I purchased the cutest clothes I could find. I also purchased gimmicky tools for baby, like the baby walker and pee-pee covers that were sent flying when the fire-hose went off in diaper changes. I thought I knew what I was doing but I didn't fully understand all of the small and large challenges that were coming. What I have learned is most of my purchases were not necessary. Here is a list of my top purchases as a mom and why I love them.

Here are my top 11 purchases that have helped me through motherhood

Top 11 most useful purchases that have helped keep our household peace

1) Hoover Linx Cordless Stick Vacuum Cleaner
I honestly don't know how we did without this machine! My daughter doesn't like to be put down, she refuses to sleep alone and vacuuming while dealing with a corded vacuum and holding a baby meant my house got vacuumed maybe once a week and drove me up the wall. With a large dog and cat my house needs vacuuming daily! This helped me more than paying a cleaner to come in once a week because the fur was my biggest problem! Its literally grab throw in the battery and go! While this seems gimmicky, we use it more than we use her crib.

2) Tula 
While I used a few carriers with my daughter such as the Infantino bliss, Snuggly and tried my sisters Becco and Ergo, I wasn't satisfied. Each carrier served me a period of time while my daughter was very small (under 6 months) but I had problems with each of them until I found my Tula. I would call Tula the Cadillac of baby carriers -- it gave me more freedom than the others because of how comfortable my daughter is in it and it fits both small and plus sized people. My Tula has enough support, cushioning and structure that I have hiked with it, choosing it over my hiking carrier. There are two sizes (standard and toddler) for your growing child and multiple places to purchase a Tula including buy/sell/trade groups on Facebook. 

3) Stroller
Purchasing a stroller was not as easy as I expected. I went to Walmart, Toys'r'us, and specialty stores while shopping for our stroller. I pushed many to see the differences between them. There were all sorts of things we considered before purchasing, like how small it collapsed and, whether it had a click and go system, ease of pushing it, height, build quality and reviews by other people. We went with a Bob, but not a regular jogging Bob - instead, we chose the Bob Motion it comes in orange, black and blue. There is also there is the Bob Motion Travel System. What we loved about this stroller is that it is compact, easy to set up, pushes well, can be pushed with ease by my 5 foot nothing sister comfortably and someone who is taller like myself, can click together with a Britax car seat as a travel system, and has great resale value! We use our Bob Motion most days and it has great accessories like snack trays, weather shield, and drink holders and console. The orange can really be seen well, so since I still have many fears about something happening to Emily I stuck with the orange for added visibility.

4) Stroller bag
After many walks with my daughter, we found that she wouldn't keep a blanket on her for most walks we went on -- she would continuously kick it off. Another problem we found is that our child hates gloves and hats -- so those would come off too. The alternative to keep her warm was to bundle her up like the abominable snowman, but putting multiple layers into a squirming kid is a a waste of time and an exercise in frustration. The solution was found at Mountain Equipment Co-op (MEC) in the cycling department -- our stroller bag. It's a toddler-sized sleeping bag with holes in it for the stroller's five-point harness. We leave it in the stroller -- when we are ready to go out, we put Emmy in reasonable clothing for wherever we are going, then put her in the stroller. It was an investment in my freedom and Emily's comfort. Emmy now happily takes her naps on dog walks and everyone is happier.

5) Muddy buddy
Picture a suit you can throw over your child's clothes, roll them in mud in, remove from them and have your perfectly clean child again. This is what a muddy buddy is and it allows for more fun in our rainy west coast weather. I found the best prices on Amazon.com even with our weak Canadian dollar. Places such as second hand stores or VarageSale are also a great place to find these little rain suits. MEC also carries similar products that can be found here.

6) Jolly jumper
My Jolly jumper was great for about 4 months that we were able to use it. My daughter outgrew it quickly but while we could use it, it kept her and my nephew occupied.

7) Books
We have been reading with my nephew and daughter since they were tiny. At 14 months my daughter will now grab a book, throw it down next to you on the couch, and try to haul herself up where she will then settle herself in your lap with the book for you to read to her. Favorites of ours are Where is baby's belly button, Where ever you are my love will find you, The Lorax, The Paper Bag Princess, Love You Forever and Purple, Green and Yellow.

8) Frozen (the movie) - I swore we wouldn't get into this one kids love songs, colourful things and quite frankly Frozen has that. It has a family conquers all sort of feel too it and is a bit less "damsel in distress" and "needs a man to save her" than most Disney movies. I can pop this on and get a few things done while my daughter watches and my daughter will actually eat while watching TV which has been a struggle to get her to do some days. Once again I use Amazon for this too as Amazon Video can be accessed almost anywhere so wherever I am so is my secret weapon for quiet. 

9) Car Seat
When picking out our second car seat (the infant travel system car seat is only safe for a window of time), we shopped around for features that were really important to us, such as ease of taking it in and out of the car, safety ratings, and company history. We decided on going with a Britax Click Tight system from a local retailer. Amazon would have once again got our business because of free delivery but the price wasn't any different than local and it would have taken us longer to have delivered and we needed it right away. The three convertable car seat click-tight systems are the Boulevard, the Marathon and the Advocate. The Britax website has a great website to compare their safety features.

10) Foam Mats
We used these for a short period of time under supervision when my daughter was having tummy time and was learning to crawl and walk. These kept the floor warmer, and they also make it so the floor is softer when they inevitably fall. 

11)  Echo
After losing Mitchell my attention span was shot! Reading was a favorite pass time before and it became almost impossible after his loss because I couldn't concentrate. When I later had Emily even if I wanted to read I was too busy. Now, meet the Echo. The Echo can make shopping lists, order items, get the news, play music (we ask for Brahms lullaby on repeat often to get my little one to sleep) or my favorite task, have it read to me! At home I currently have an Echo and have a Dot on order! Both are voice activated and hands free, which is a feature I use often. The Echo has a built in speaker which sounds pretty good and the Dot can hook up to your speakers. The Tap is similar but isn't hands free and must be tapped to turn on. Take a look at them, for your sanity's sake. They could be your best investment for time saving if you are an Amazon freak like me (I prefer having things delivered to my door: for example, formula is heavy, but not when ordered online, so I order my formula online on amazon.ca).