Infant Loss Vigil

Today I spoke at a pregnancy and infant loss vigil. It was an experience I will likely never forget and an opportunity I was grateful for. I am not a person who enjoys public speaking but sometimes things need to be said. Pregnancy and infant loss is not a fluffy topic that can be smoothed over and made tidy, it is soul changing and heart draining. Once you have lost you are never quite the same, the wonder of pregnancy isn't the same everything is just a bit more jaded.

Below is a copy of my speech, if it helps anyone, I am glad if not i know where to find this if ever I need to read it for myself again.

Someone should have introduced losing a baby properly to me- I think it would have been easier. It would sound along the lines of “Welcome to hell”! Many of us have been here for some time now, whether it’s new or it has been years. I am sorry for your loss.

Women become mothers at different times, My opinion on when a woman becomes a mother and a pregnancy becomes a baby is whenever the woman decides. I was a mother from the moment I saw two pink lines on my pregnancy test with my son Mitchell.

Mitchell was a stubborn little thing, he hated the heat, he loved spicy food, he liked to be active at about 11-2:30 at night. He didn't move much- my midwife and I just figured it was because I was overweight, I just wasn't feeling him. We had a pretty normal pregnancy- my blood pressure spiked at one appointment and a fuss as made but that was the appointment when I had to go to the anesthesiologist because I am fat.

Drugs went against my precious birth plan and the pressure to have a "natural" birth was overwhelming at the time. I felt devastated. The spiked blood pressure was out of character- my husband literally had to make the doctor take it a couple more times because he knew this was not normal and she was terrifying me with an epidural- I didn't do well with needles. I was naive about the realities of birth, partially because I had been specifically told not to read any pregnancy books or look on the internet and to only read what was in my midwifes folder. That was a fatal mistake.

The spiked blood pressure at this appointment caused me to start non stress tests and another ultrasound and see an OB. They found his waters were low but not dangerously low and a smaller baby than they had expected for my weight gain but- about 4.5 pounds - they weren't concerned.

By the end of my pregnancy my midwife and I were not seeing eye to eye, she was not taking my concerns to heart and at 36 weeks I tried switching care providers. My answer was unless there was an incident, something agreegous, no one would touch me out of professional courtesy because it would mess up my midwifes income due to how the government pays midwives and it being a small community.

At 38 and a half weeks my son was going crazy in my belly. He was low and I was certain he was getting ready to come out. I went for a walk after digging my midwifes number out and her folder of information. I was ready. I thought I was about to start labor.

That January 22 at 1:31 am Mitchell kicked me for the last time. I don't know if that's when he died or not. But I presume so. He was in fetal distress, I had no idea what that was. I found out he had passed two days later at my midwife appointment.

It’s amazing how you can be told by multiple people "I’m sorry there is no heartbeat" and you can be certain they are wrong. You can be an atheist and beg god to give you your baby back and then hate him for not. You can lose faith in people for their cruelty- people complained of my sisters crying in the hall while they were waiting for news of their new arrival. She walked in just as they had said Mitchell had died- she rushed to the hospital thinking I was in labor.

We went along with Mitchells birth as best we could waiting with breath held trying to play apples to apples as we had planned. I was still certain he was alive. I was induced and back to back contractions started in half an hour. My midwife returned to check on me 5 hours later thinking I would need multiple doses of meds to start labor. I couldn't get an epidural without her even though I really wanted one now. I was however allowed morphine- a gift I was grateful for- it makes you loopy out of contractions but it didn't touch the pain. A couple hours later a lovely South African Dr came in and showed a couple of med students how to do an epidural.

Honestly the birth was mostly a blur until I was told to push gently and my son joined us and was put on my chest. He was warm, he smelled of new baby, I remember looking down with his face upturned to mine eyes closed,and the amazing feeling as you gaze down at your child awestruck, full of love. Still waiting for him to move.

Shortly after my family all left the hospital. My husband and I crawled into bed with our son and we cried ourselves to sleep throughout the night.

The next morning I realized I needed to leave or I would never leave. I had 3 days I could stay at the hospital but it wasn't recommended due to the changes that occur. And I didn't want anyone to see what was going on in my mind.

I had decided in 5 days time I was going to kill myself. I figured it would take that long until people would stop watching me even when I went to the bathroom. It drove me crazy that I didn't know where my son was and quite frankly I didn't care where that was- a mother belongs with her children.

I can’t exactly tell you what made me change my mind. My mom, a friend who claims to be psychic, my sisters I don't know... I didn't take that drunken drugged swim. I spent a couple months in bed instead. Eventually my family got me a dog. It’s hard to stay in bed with a crying pup and a room smelling like poo.

If it sounds like I am angry about Mitchells death- I am. My son died from an inter uterine growth restriction. He had an ultrasound 5 days before his passing. The only professional with any concern was an ultrasound tech- not the radiologist who said everything was fine and to go home. My midwife didn't take me seriously, the midwife community didn't help me and even the OB I saw in the end only gave me 30 seconds, spewed information such as I needed an epidural in case something went wrong because I am fat and left the room - 30 seconds. This is not acceptable. My sons condition wasn't a death sentence and possibly could have been managed. Its for this reason, I am sharing how I really feel. I would rather someone hear this, take what another woman says seriously and maybe just maybe she won’t lose her child too. Really our little mom club is the worst. Wonderful people belong to it- but I would rather we have no new members.

I was surprised to find I was pregnant again 3 months to the day after Mitchell was born. My daughter's pregnancy was a numb hell and honestly- too soon. I considered abortion because I didn't know if I couldn't handle being pregnant along with the stress of my sister being pregnant. We both may have had too much whiskey... And then Em was born and everything changed again.

Maybe it was Disney who gave us the stupid notion that the love of your life is your husband or wife. The love of your life will be your kids, living or Dead it doesn't matter.

Mitchell gave my family an amazing gift. I come from a blended family, we were a bit of a broken family too. Mitchell brought us all together, I grew a greater appreciation for my sisters and my Dads. I couldn't ask for a better family, I didn't realize that before.

If given the option of being his mother or not- I would do it all over again. I just wish that he could be with us today to play with his sister.

Thank you for allowing me to share our story.