This year I tried participating in the Carly Marie Project where Carly Marie takes different topics for each day and we write to them to share our lost babies to the world and spoke at a vigil on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day of our story and what Loosing baby Mitchell had meant.
Below are my posts
Day 1: Sunrise Dedication
In honesty I missed sunrise this morning. The idea was to watch it, to ponder and to remember. The morning has never been my time of day and we slept through it. Today is supposed to be a day of reflection according to the project. But today I am needed in the present with Em.
One day I will have to explain to Emily, her yellow bedroom was painted before she was a thought. The words on her walls weren't meant for her though I hope they sink in. The crib she would never sleep in as an infant, well I was somewhat thankful for that because it wasn't her crib; her small weight felt amazing in my empty arms. Though she could never take the place of her brother she is the reason the sun still rises for me.
Day 2: Who they were
Mitchell's full name was Mitchell James Douglas Bronaugh, a name after each of his grandfathers. He was born at term on January 26th 2014 at 02:10. He was 5 pounds and 12.6oz. with dark brown hair and brown eyes. In all honesty this is not who Mitchell was. Mitchell was a stubborn baby (he came by it honestly). He didn't move much except when he wanted to. He liked spicy foods and was not a fan of hot weather which made me hate hot weather (way more than Ems pregnancy, trust me that kid didn't like the heat). Mitchell for the most part was a pretty easy going baby, he slept in the day and woke up late at night when I was working on homework and calmed down as I eventually drifted to sleep. He had an easy(almost) uneventful pregnancy and gave me the happiest nine months of my life.
Mitchell also managed to stitch my broken little family together, a gift I am very grateful for as from the moment we knew of him everything changed for all of us. Mitchell was a fighter. He died from an intra-uterine growth restriction caused by his placenta not working properly- something that couldn't be fixed, only managed if the specialists had actually taken note of the signs at any one of our appointments. He held on until the end. Above all, Mitchell was my son.
Day 3: what it felt like
TRIGGER ALERT TO THE OTHER LOSS MOMS
There isn't one feeling to losing a child. It is a depth of emotions, some of which I didn't know existed or could exist together and I still can not explain because the words do not exist in the English language. I may be able to explain better by explaining bits of moments than what it felt like. So if you can, step into my shoes for five minutes. You aren't going to get the whole story obviously, or the real feel of it but a few details of a moment to try and understand.
The 9 months I was pregnant with Mitchell I was on cloud 9. I was running around campus and I was MASSIVE. By the end of it I was eyeing the elevator while talking myself into doing the 3 flights of stairs five times a day to get between classes. I was happy, pregnant, and content with life. I honestly felt like I had it all! I had just had two amazing vacations that year to boot. Life couldn't have been better.
Now your at a midwife appointment with someone filling in for your midwife - she cant find the heartbeat, she says this happens sometimes when using another persons fetal Doppler. She calls your midwife in. Picture being told by your midwife that the girl filling in for her would meet you at the hospital because she was tired and needed to sleep if she was going to go through this with you. You still don't understand what "this" is. They couldn't find a heartbeat - you're 9 months pregnant, about to pop any minute and they just finished checking with different equipment. Heartbeats can be hard to find so you're going to get checked out at the hospital to make sure everything is okay. You panic as you realize they may be saying the impossible has happened.
Now you are in a hospital room with your mom, husband, a sister and step dad all nervous. Your sister just walks in and thinks "we are having a baby"; she looks ecstatic! She has loved this bump for months! She has been planning, scheming along with you and is almost as excited as you are. The sheer pain and absolute despair come on to her face as she walk in as the ultrasound tech looks at the Dr at that moment and says "There's no heartbeat. I'm sorry." She leaves the room crying and the family in the waiting room outside your room is angry because she is bawling and you can't decide if you want to run out there and tell them what assholes they are so you can scream at someone or just keep crying by yourself while feeling "you killed your child".
The next morning I woke up before everyone and called my Dad. Originally I had asked my mom to because I didn't want to have to say it. I have only ever heard my dad cry like that twice in my lifetime including when I squeaked out "he is gone, Daddy, I'm so sorry".
Giving birth was the easy part it was hard work but it was the easy part. I went in to the hospital with mixed feelings, half certain that the hospital staff were all wrong because my little miracle was meant to be. My family and I started off playing apples to apples as I waited in complete denial. The back to back contractions, the pacing, the pain was an easy hell compared to everything else.
After birth, you are passed up this little tiny human on to your chest. He is warm, he smells of new baby and is unbelievably soft. He lays their on your chest and you look at him and your heart explodes and breaks into a billion tiny pieces with his silent little face turned up at you. You can barely catch your breath. The midwife asks who wants to cut the cord and their is this awkward silence in the room until your mother says she would like to cut the cord, an honour usually saved for the father. Everyone there sees the baby and leaves to give you some sleep and for the nurses to clean you up. Childbirth is a bloody mess and leaves you one for weeks as a reminder that your body seemingly is a fuck up - a walking place of death, the one place you want to escape from and are stuck being. You go to sleep snuggled between your husband and child continuously waking, bawling, to find a now cold cheek on yours and you realize that this is hell.
The next day you are discharged from the hospital, you go with it and keep it together as best as possible for fear they might keep you in the hell hole. A midwife comes and asks for your baby to take him to the morgue. You don't realize she's coming so quickly and seems to want to go home. She quickly takes him and offers one last quick kiss and saying goodbye while you pass him over openly instead of being given private final moment on your own time. On the way out your standing at the elevator and are waiting. A new family comes up behind you and asks if the people you were visiting had a boy or girl. They are super excited about their precious cargo. You ignore them and decide the stairs are a better way to go.
By the time you get down stairs you have someones hand in each of yours helping you to the door of the hospital. Its taking everything you have to walk away from your child. Your mind is playing out what is going to happen next to your precious baby, knowing you signed autopsy papers that morning to the recommendations of the medical staff. The mental anguish and panic, knowing they are about to chop up your child like a piece of meat is too much.
The day after your child's birth you are sitting in a funeral home. You are thankfully numb. Your parents are with you as is your spouse. Your doing fine until you have to fill out the relation to deceased section. What do you write? Mother? Am I a mother? According to society I am not but, I was his. The emotions flood as reality sets in and the breakdown of what and who you are in your mind begins.
I spent about a week waiting for people to leave me alone long enough to sneak off and kill myself. A mother belongs with her child right? Where the fuck was my kid? I needed to know. Mom and a good friend helped me out of this- thank you Tammy. I couldn't put my mother through this too.
After a loss, its very lonely. You could be surrounded by people and its lonely. Some people may come by and some avoid you even after you let them know you can handle seeing people again. I lost family and some of my closest "friends". The days were unbearable and everyone's life went on but mine it seemed. I stayed in bed all day most days and got up just before David would get home from work and try to shower or make dinner and pretend I did something that day, it only happened about half the time. Eventually I was able to get out of bed more but that was usually because Syd would come over with movies and chocolate to keep me company whenever she had the chance to or Mom and Doug would get me to come up for dinner. After this, my family banded together and bought me Lily, its hard to stay in bed when the bedroom smells like puppy poo...
When I finally got Mitchell's ashes back from the funeral home it came with a prayer card with his name and wrong birth-date on it which made me think they were careless. I decided to check and make sure everything was in order. I opened the box of what were supposed to be ashes. I found ashes and mostly whole bones (Mitchell can never be scattered somewhere) and the bag not closed properly. The panic attack when you realize you are wearing your child is ridiculous for lack of better words. I carefully removed my clothes and brushed him out in the garden outside his bedroom window.
This is a snapshot of what it feels like to loose a child- This is why the silence needs to be broken.
Day 4: Support groups
There are many support groups I was lucky enough to have through Mitchells death. I had family, friends, neighbors, but the people who understood me best are the women who have walked this path with me- the loss mama's. In all honesty, I never expected to meet such strong, giving, caring, compassionate, loving, amazing women that I have met on this journey. I am grateful for them while also sorry that they are on this journey too. No other group understands the triggers, the jealousy early on of seeing pregnant women or women with kids who they seemingly don't want and the shame and sadness that accompanies those feelings. No other group understands the avoidance of certain friends because they were pregnant at the same time and are a reminder of what you lost so you quietly cheer on their children's milestones from facebook screens. There is no other group of friends who understands the tears left behind in me. These women have kept me sane on many bad days and I hope I have been able to help some of them. These are women who encourage each other, watch out for each other, who lift each other up and above all love each others lost babies even if we have never met each other.
While I am grateful for my other support groups and wouldn't have made it through without them, I can not begin to explain to others the value in meeting women from the same hell and knowing you are not alone.
To all my friends and family and neighbours- Thank you
To my fellow loss mama's- Thank you
Day 5: The unspoken
Within our society our children's names are the unspoken. Their memories are unspoken and our pain is unspoken. Our children's lives and deaths make people uncomfortable. This is the reality of child loss. After having a child, if the child dies before the end of the month our government has gone so far as clawing back the baby bonus for the child - usually something most new families need to keep functioning because of the time needed off work to heal after birth and then raise a child. It's amazing how much time it takes to grieve.
Mitchell was never given a birth certificate, though I am grateful for that. Most mothers who lose their children shortly after birth are given one with a giant stamp of deceased across it, which feels like another blow to the memory of their child. A few hours after his birth I was presented with papers from Vital Statistics for registering a stillbirth. My midwife asked if I wanted to put his name down in case I didn't want to name him. To our country he was a statistic and a bill.
Our society likes to think that our statistics on pregnancy or infant loss are amazing. Child loss doesn't happen often, right? 1 in 4 women will experience a loss of some sort. One in four! How is this acceptable? 1 in 200 in Canada will experience a stillbirth and about 1 in 160 in the United States according to data I dug up a couple years ago. These number are better than other places which I am grateful for but still not good enough. Did you know that in some places they say they have 4 of 9 kids or 6 of 12 or 2 of 8. Could you imagine losing 6 children and only having 2 living. They do however acknowledge all of their children.
While most women in Canada do not lose so many children I know women who have lost multiples. When you lose a child, you would expect that there would be medical supports in place. Did you know that in BC the funding for grief counseling is only for 3 sessions cut down from only 6. 3 sessions and you are all better! Amazing! I wish this worked. I wish the 3 sessions of counseling were enough and I wish that the 6 sessions would have been enough. I found them helpful for hearing what was on David's mind and that was about it. I think others found it more useful.
I know it sounds like I am ranting and I am. Someone needs to say what is not being said: we need more empathy in our society. We need more or better research into pregnancy loss and infant mortality and we need better supports in place for the families who will face this hell next.
Day 6 :Empathy
Today's topic of empathy has left me staring at the screen. People who can empathize usually think about our losses and you can watch their face crack for a moment. They let go of the thought of loosing a child of their own because it hurts but they get the idea. They recompose and they don't want to touch that thought again anytime soon and realize the loss is of massive depth.
Most people can empathize and not be tortured by it, but one person in particular couldn't, my mom.
My mom is the one person other than me who loosing Mitchell tore up beyond repair. She found out about Mitchell before his father (that man has since learned to answer the phone), and was just as excited for his arrival as I was. From walking into my living room with Doug smiling like Cheshire cat as she passed me a pregnancy book she had from her pregnancy with me (before I told her I was pregnant may I add) to crawling into bed with me when the contractions were unbearable- it was mom. Her strength and her empathy were staggering. She lost her grandchild- she watched her daughter self destruct, she was helpless and yet she kept everyone functioning while knowing the depth of his loss. I can, but don't want to put myself in your shoes and think about watching Em in mine. It would be a different hell.
My mom is my best friend- she drives me nuts and we butt heads sometimes. We have different opinions as to how we are raising Em (read my mother is turning into my amazing grandmother here) but these challenges are because she is an amazing mother and had an amazing mother and is challenging me to be the same though we may have different opinions as to what that means sometimes. To the woman who doesn't crumple I salute you and I need a drink now.
Day 7: Myths
Myths with infant, and pregnancy loss run rampant. While the majority of us in Canada do not have many myths about baby losses there are some. Depending on the culture you may not be able to attend your child's funeral. You may be restricted to certain foods. You may have to stay away from certain people or everyone for a period. The list goes on and to me just seems lonely. However the myths I scoffed at were more perceptions by people rather than myth.
My most scoffed at one was "at least it can't happen again" - the scary news is stillbirth and infant loss can and for some unlucky souls does happen again. Most of us do not get answers as to why our babies died, even if we signed papers for a postmortem in hope of answers.
Another favorite myth was that "one day you will move on." Moving forward with life and moving on are different. Moving on is something you do after you break up with your boyfriend, moving forward is something you do after you have lost a child and have no other choice but to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. You cant go back, you cant save them and you cant "move on." It doesn't work that way - your love for your children doesn't end even in death, it just changes form to grief.
Another myth with infant and pregnancy loss is "at least you know you can have another baby" - for many this isn't the case.
However my all time favorite is "It was god's plan." Now please, lets not get into the conversation of if there is a god or not, but let's just look at "god's plan" here. Why would he torture so many? My answer is this isn't his plan, and to say it is even if you have the best intentions is almost like saying "this was supposed to happen, hurry up and get over it already." Thanks but - no. If you know someone who loses a baby, for the love of all that is good don't say "it was god's plan" - and if you do and manage not to have your throat ripped out, maybe you do have the hand of god on your shoulder and should go buy a lotto ticket.
Day 13: Dear World
Dear World
Today I sat at my computer writing a speech to say at an infant vigil in 3 days I have been asked to speak at. I will be standing in a room with other women, men, family's torn apart from infant loss.
I have written 3 sentences for this speech so far and all but one sound like bullshit. An entire room full of people who have lost a child- The only line that rings so far is "I am sorry for your losses". So many losses, Silent babies and it is beyond unfair. I am supposed to tell them about Mitchell and all that he was and our experience with his loss, each family there will be hurting, each family praying we don't have many more families join us in our little club this year and hoping people notice enough that maybe more people will be okay with us talking about our children and more research will save more babies.
The scary part is 1 in 200 pregnancies in Canada will end in stillbirth and 1 in 4 women will experience some sort of pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4. We don't talk about these numbers enough- or the spot at the table that should have a highchair sitting at it. Its uncomfortable to think about.
I sit here stumped- What words can help- our kids are gone and more will join them. We need action. The numbers 1 in 4 just suck.
I have written 3 sentences for this speech so far and all but one sound like bullshit. An entire room full of people who have lost a child- The only line that rings so far is "I am sorry for your losses". So many losses, Silent babies and it is beyond unfair. I am supposed to tell them about Mitchell and all that he was and our experience with his loss, each family there will be hurting, each family praying we don't have many more families join us in our little club this year and hoping people notice enough that maybe more people will be okay with us talking about our children and more research will save more babies.
The scary part is 1 in 200 pregnancies in Canada will end in stillbirth and 1 in 4 women will experience some sort of pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4. We don't talk about these numbers enough- or the spot at the table that should have a highchair sitting at it. Its uncomfortable to think about.
I sit here stumped- What words can help- our kids are gone and more will join them. We need action. The numbers 1 in 4 just suck.
Day 15: Carly Marie Project - Wave of light part 1
I am posting this now because tomorrow, I am not going to want to write. These posts take something out of me, usually making me not want to be around people. And tomorrow I will be speaking at an infant and pregnancy loss vigil.
Tomorrow marks infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. At 7 pm in each time zone we will participate in the wave of light where we light a candle or many for the babies gone too soon. I welcome you to join us and light one too.
Day 15: Wave of light-Part 2 of 3
At today's Vigil, this is what I squeaked out. Embarrassingly enough I didn't manage to actually speak it the way I had in the times I had practiced it, but it was said in the end. Em joined me in her carrier. She was a bit disruptive at the vigil but she made it through too (she has a cold and is a mommy's girl). It was a room full of love and lovely people.
Thank you Brenda, Doug, Sydney and David for joining me today. I appreciated the support.
I had been asked by a couple of people to share what I was going to say so here goes.
Someone should have introduced losing a baby properly to me- I think it would have been easier. It would sound along the lines of “Welcome to hell”! Many of us have been here for some time now, whether it’s new or it has been years. I am sorry for your loss.
Women become mothers at different times, My opinion on when a woman becomes a mother and a pregnancy becomes a baby is whenever the woman decides. I was a mother from the moment I saw two pink lines on my pregnancy test with my son Mitchell.
Mitchell was a stubborn little thing, he hated the heat, he loved spicy food, he liked to be active at about 11-2:30 at night. He didn't move much- my midwife and I just figured it was because I was overweight, I just wasn't feeling him. We had a pretty normal pregnancy- my blood pressure spiked at one appointment and a fuss as made but that was the appointment when I had to go to the anesthesiologist because I am fat.
Drugs went against my precious birth plan and the pressure to have a "natural" birth was overwhelming at the time. I felt devastated. The spiked blood pressure was out of character- my husband literally had to make the doctor take it a couple more times because he knew this was not normal and she was terrifying me with an epidural- I didn't do well with needles. I was naive about the realities of birth, partially because I had been specifically told not to read any pregnancy books or look on the internet and to only read what was in my midwifes folder. That was a fatal mistake.
The spiked blood pressure at this appointment caused me to start non stress tests and another ultrasound and see an OB. They found his waters were low but not dangerously low and a smaller baby than they had expected for my weight gain but- about 4.5 pounds - they weren't concerned.
By the end of my pregnancy my midwife and I were not seeing eye to eye, she was not taking my concerns to heart and at 36 weeks I tried switching care providers. My answer was unless there was an incident, something egregious, no one would touch me out of professional courtesy because it would mess up my midwifes income due to how the government pays midwives and it being a small community.
At 38 and a half weeks my son was going crazy in my belly. He was low and I was certain he was getting ready to come out. I went for a walk after digging my midwifes number out and her folder of information. I was ready. I thought I was about to start labor.
That January 22 at 1:31 am Mitchell kicked me for the last time. I don't know if that's when he died or not. But I presume so. He was in fetal distress, I had no idea what that was. I found out he had passed two days later at my midwife appointment.
It’s amazing how you can be told by multiple people "I’m sorry there is no heartbeat" and you can be certain they are wrong. You can be an atheist and beg god to give you your baby back and then hate him for not. You can lose faith in people for their cruelty- people complained of my sisters crying in the hall while they were waiting for news of their new arrival. She walked in just as they had said Mitchell had died- she rushed to the hospital thinking I was in labor.
We went along with Mitchells birth as best we could waiting with breath held trying to play apples to apples as we had planned. I was still certain he was alive. I was induced and back to back contractions started in half an hour. My midwife returned to check on me 5 hours later thinking I would need multiple doses of meds to start labor. I couldn't get an epidural without her even though I really wanted one now. I was however allowed morphine- a gift I was grateful for- it makes you loopy out of contractions but it didn't touch the pain. A couple hours later a lovely South African Dr came in and showed a couple of med students how to do an epidural.
Honestly the birth was mostly a blur until I was told to push gently and my son joined us and was put on my chest. He was warm, he smelled of new baby, I remember looking down with his face upturned to mine eyes closed,and the amazing feeling as you gaze down at your child awestruck, full of love. Still waiting for him to move.
Shortly after my family all left the hospital. My husband and I crawled into bed with our son and we cried ourselves to sleep throughout the night.
The next morning I realized I needed to leave or I would never leave. I had 3 days I could stay at the hospital but it wasn't recommended due to the changes that occur. And I didn't want anyone to see what was going on in my mind.
I had decided in 5 days time I was going to kill myself. I figured it would take that long until people would stop watching me even when I went to the bathroom. It drove me crazy that I didn't know where my son was and quite frankly I didn't care where that was- a mother belongs with her children.
I can’t exactly tell you what made me change my mind. My mom, a friend who claims to be psychic, my sisters I don't know... I didn't take that drunken drugged swim. I spent a couple months in bed instead. Eventually my family got me a dog. It’s hard to stay in bed with a crying pup and a room smelling like poo.
If it sounds like I am angry about Mitchells death- I am. My son died from an inter uterine growth restriction. He had an ultrasound 5 days before his passing. The only professional with any concern was an ultrasound tech- not the radiologist who said everything was fine and to go home. My midwife didn't take me seriously, the midwife community didn't help me and even the OB I saw in the end only gave me 30 seconds, spewed information such as I needed an epidural in case something went wrong because I am fat and left the room - 30 seconds. This is not acceptable. My sons condition wasn't a death sentence and possibly could have been managed. Its for this reason, I am sharing how I really feel. I would rather someone hear this, take what another woman says seriously and maybe just maybe she won’t lose her child too. Really our little mom club is the worst. Wonderful people belong to it- but I would rather we have no new members.
I was surprised to find I was pregnant again 3 months to the day after Mitchell was born. My daughter's pregnancy was a numb hell and honestly- too soon. I considered abortion because I didn't know if I couldn't handle being pregnant along with the stress of my sister being pregnant. We both may have had too much whiskey... And then Em was born and everything changed again.
Maybe it was Disney who gave us the stupid notion that the love of your life is your husband or wife. The love of your life will be your kids, living or Dead it doesn't matter.
Mitchell gave my family an amazing gift. I come from a blended family, we were a bit of a broken family too. Mitchell brought us all together, I grew a greater appreciation for my sisters and my Dads. I couldn't ask for a better family, I didn't realize that before.
If given the option of being his mother or not- I would do it all over again. I just wish that he could be with us today to play with his sister.
Thank you for allowing me to share our story.
At today's Vigil, this is what I squeaked out. Embarrassingly enough I didn't manage to actually speak it the way I had in the times I had practiced it, but it was said in the end. Em joined me in her carrier. She was a bit disruptive at the vigil but she made it through too (she has a cold and is a mommy's girl). It was a room full of love and lovely people.
Thank you Brenda, Doug, Sydney and David for joining me today. I appreciated the support.
I had been asked by a couple of people to share what I was going to say so here goes.
Someone should have introduced losing a baby properly to me- I think it would have been easier. It would sound along the lines of “Welcome to hell”! Many of us have been here for some time now, whether it’s new or it has been years. I am sorry for your loss.
Women become mothers at different times, My opinion on when a woman becomes a mother and a pregnancy becomes a baby is whenever the woman decides. I was a mother from the moment I saw two pink lines on my pregnancy test with my son Mitchell.
Mitchell was a stubborn little thing, he hated the heat, he loved spicy food, he liked to be active at about 11-2:30 at night. He didn't move much- my midwife and I just figured it was because I was overweight, I just wasn't feeling him. We had a pretty normal pregnancy- my blood pressure spiked at one appointment and a fuss as made but that was the appointment when I had to go to the anesthesiologist because I am fat.
Drugs went against my precious birth plan and the pressure to have a "natural" birth was overwhelming at the time. I felt devastated. The spiked blood pressure was out of character- my husband literally had to make the doctor take it a couple more times because he knew this was not normal and she was terrifying me with an epidural- I didn't do well with needles. I was naive about the realities of birth, partially because I had been specifically told not to read any pregnancy books or look on the internet and to only read what was in my midwifes folder. That was a fatal mistake.
The spiked blood pressure at this appointment caused me to start non stress tests and another ultrasound and see an OB. They found his waters were low but not dangerously low and a smaller baby than they had expected for my weight gain but- about 4.5 pounds - they weren't concerned.
By the end of my pregnancy my midwife and I were not seeing eye to eye, she was not taking my concerns to heart and at 36 weeks I tried switching care providers. My answer was unless there was an incident, something egregious, no one would touch me out of professional courtesy because it would mess up my midwifes income due to how the government pays midwives and it being a small community.
At 38 and a half weeks my son was going crazy in my belly. He was low and I was certain he was getting ready to come out. I went for a walk after digging my midwifes number out and her folder of information. I was ready. I thought I was about to start labor.
That January 22 at 1:31 am Mitchell kicked me for the last time. I don't know if that's when he died or not. But I presume so. He was in fetal distress, I had no idea what that was. I found out he had passed two days later at my midwife appointment.
It’s amazing how you can be told by multiple people "I’m sorry there is no heartbeat" and you can be certain they are wrong. You can be an atheist and beg god to give you your baby back and then hate him for not. You can lose faith in people for their cruelty- people complained of my sisters crying in the hall while they were waiting for news of their new arrival. She walked in just as they had said Mitchell had died- she rushed to the hospital thinking I was in labor.
We went along with Mitchells birth as best we could waiting with breath held trying to play apples to apples as we had planned. I was still certain he was alive. I was induced and back to back contractions started in half an hour. My midwife returned to check on me 5 hours later thinking I would need multiple doses of meds to start labor. I couldn't get an epidural without her even though I really wanted one now. I was however allowed morphine- a gift I was grateful for- it makes you loopy out of contractions but it didn't touch the pain. A couple hours later a lovely South African Dr came in and showed a couple of med students how to do an epidural.
Honestly the birth was mostly a blur until I was told to push gently and my son joined us and was put on my chest. He was warm, he smelled of new baby, I remember looking down with his face upturned to mine eyes closed,and the amazing feeling as you gaze down at your child awestruck, full of love. Still waiting for him to move.
Shortly after my family all left the hospital. My husband and I crawled into bed with our son and we cried ourselves to sleep throughout the night.
The next morning I realized I needed to leave or I would never leave. I had 3 days I could stay at the hospital but it wasn't recommended due to the changes that occur. And I didn't want anyone to see what was going on in my mind.
I had decided in 5 days time I was going to kill myself. I figured it would take that long until people would stop watching me even when I went to the bathroom. It drove me crazy that I didn't know where my son was and quite frankly I didn't care where that was- a mother belongs with her children.
I can’t exactly tell you what made me change my mind. My mom, a friend who claims to be psychic, my sisters I don't know... I didn't take that drunken drugged swim. I spent a couple months in bed instead. Eventually my family got me a dog. It’s hard to stay in bed with a crying pup and a room smelling like poo.
If it sounds like I am angry about Mitchells death- I am. My son died from an inter uterine growth restriction. He had an ultrasound 5 days before his passing. The only professional with any concern was an ultrasound tech- not the radiologist who said everything was fine and to go home. My midwife didn't take me seriously, the midwife community didn't help me and even the OB I saw in the end only gave me 30 seconds, spewed information such as I needed an epidural in case something went wrong because I am fat and left the room - 30 seconds. This is not acceptable. My sons condition wasn't a death sentence and possibly could have been managed. Its for this reason, I am sharing how I really feel. I would rather someone hear this, take what another woman says seriously and maybe just maybe she won’t lose her child too. Really our little mom club is the worst. Wonderful people belong to it- but I would rather we have no new members.
I was surprised to find I was pregnant again 3 months to the day after Mitchell was born. My daughter's pregnancy was a numb hell and honestly- too soon. I considered abortion because I didn't know if I couldn't handle being pregnant along with the stress of my sister being pregnant. We both may have had too much whiskey... And then Em was born and everything changed again.
Maybe it was Disney who gave us the stupid notion that the love of your life is your husband or wife. The love of your life will be your kids, living or Dead it doesn't matter.
Mitchell gave my family an amazing gift. I come from a blended family, we were a bit of a broken family too. Mitchell brought us all together, I grew a greater appreciation for my sisters and my Dads. I couldn't ask for a better family, I didn't realize that before.
If given the option of being his mother or not- I would do it all over again. I just wish that he could be with us today to play with his sister.
Thank you for allowing me to share our story.
Part 3
Day 17: Sacred space
The only place I can think of that I find sacred is the garden outside of Em/ Mitchells bedroom. Before Mitchell was born we planned to put honeysuckles and hummingbird attracting flowers in this space, I completed the project shortly after his passing. We wanted to be able to watch the hummingbirds with him in his room. Some of Mitchells ashes accidentally(/had to go somewhere) went in this garden. After Mitchells botched cremation and the bag not being closed, my clothes were shaken out on this garden and the vacuum was also emptied here. It is the only garden I remember to water in the summer and keep weeded. Hummingbirds do come visit as do the bees. In full bloom its a beautiful little space. One day when we move hopefully it is left alone in his memory.
Day 21: Relationships
While I haven't been keeping up with all of the projects day to day topics I am still continuing with it. Many of the topics of conversation for the month I felt were too "fluffy" like "lemons from lemon-aid" my thought was "really? Lemons?" . The analogy was insulting and in my opinion takes away from the truth of child loss. What lemon-aid? Lemons are not anywhere near horrible enough to describe anything of substance.
The relationships I have built, lost and risked from losing my son I would never have dreamed of. I don't think anyone could expect them. "Best friends" and "family" gone, some couldn't look me in the eye after Mitchell died and others wouldn't even see me, some even thought I was being dramatic. Expectations from people ranged from "I know everything is different now" to expecting that after a time period that you should have moved on and be their happy old friend again and never think about your lost child. In one way or another each relationship you have ever forged is effected, some for the worse ,and others the better, and some require more whisky 
;)
;)
Pfft- lemonade
Day 27: Family is Forever
Today's topic says it all. Family is forever. You don't get to escape your family if they are crazy or screwed up or even if your missing someone. People talk about seeing their dads chairs empty after they pass I get that- and I am glad you are comfortable talking about your lost loved ones and that it is okay for you to. For me it was an empty crib and high chair( so please bear with me if this is uncomfortable for you- its been awfully uncomfortable for me too).
You may think its not the same- your right it isn't. Parents are not supposed to bury/ cremate their children it is supposed to be the other way around. This is why my son haunts me. Late at night or throughout the day he slips into my thoughts. Last night I couldn't sleep until I moved his box to somewhere I deemed safe at 2:30 am (we had a water incident again and I was afraid that water could come through the bedroom closet where he is kept and land on him so I had moved him to the living room table before bed. I laid in bed picturing Em finding him in the morning and throwing his remains like confetti. So up again to find a high up dry area appropriate that the cat wouldn't fling him from (my cat is an asshole)). Its silly things like this sometimes- stupid really. More-often than not it is the "what ifs" that make you stay awake 4 pots of tea later. Lost children haunt because family is forever and there is no love like what you have for your kids.
Day 28: Self compassion
Especially when a loss is new and raw self compassion tends to go out the window. If I could tell someone who had just lost a child one thing it would be to be kind to yourself and realize their loss wasn't their fault. A parent would loose everything for their child, they would do anything for them- after a loss we question ourselves. The second would be to do whatever you need to. Eat the whole damn chocolate cake or 20, go swim in the ocean, scream as loud and as often as you need or cry where ever whenever. Self compassion is hard when you loose a child, it takes time to allow yourself to live and then more to do it without guilt.
Day 29: Give away your love
Fluff day 1 of 3 it seems but hey a nice break from my complaints.
What do you pour your love into? Time with family? Woodworking? games? Baking? Sewing? Helping other loss mothers? Volunteer work? We all do something that spreads the love. This project was started by a woman named Carly Marie who has made it a mission to help women and break the silence left by children gone too soon.
Tomorrows topic is "My promise to you" I wont be writing on it. My promise to Mitchell is my own.
Day 31:Sunset Reflection
As the last day of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month is upon us I will not be watching the sunset. I will be taking my daughter trick or treating for the first time- she wont understand it but will find it fun. I don't need tonight to reflect and remember I do that daily and have shared some of that this month. I have come to the conclusion though that Mitchell's death has changed myself and my family. I am and likely will always be angry about the negligence that led to Mitchell's death but he is gone and I have come to terms with that but, I will love him and his sibling forever.
Thank you for letting me share him with you all for infant loss awareness month. Thank you for remembering him and thank you for helping to end the deafening silence.
Thank you for letting me share him with you all for infant loss awareness month. Thank you for remembering him and thank you for helping to end the deafening silence.
