Anxiety

Depression and anxiety can be crippling. I have been battling it daily with some small success for what feels like forever. I have good days and bad which are related to numerous factors. My mother and her belittling comments and second guessing my parenting cause huge anxiety, my husband causes me anxiety, my dog and her standoffish-ness to people and how they are around her causes me a stupid amount of anxiety, my daughter and keeping her safe causes me anxiety. These anxieties and more have been draining and have caused me to take less care of myself, mentally and physically. If someone is drained they can not take care of others as well as they could if they were recharged, as you cant pour from an empty cup.

So what can be done for this? CHANGE I feel is the answer to finding a way to recharge. If I wasn't anxious then things wouldn't need to change and by choosing to not change, (this is also a decision) its accepting those fears and giving them more power than I should allow in my life. So I am working at them one step at a time to build a new and happier healthier me. The first step I am working towards is signing up for driving lessons which could mean a whole new freedom for me. I want to be able to go, I want to camp, to visit my dad, my husband and hike with my daughter and fur baby. I want to be able to go and not worry or feel like a burden. Another thing I plan on doing is taking better care of me. Today for instance I had my legs and under arms lazered to remove the hair. It was great. I cant wait to see the results. I have another 5 sessions to go! Another thing I plan on doing is a business Venture! I am so excited with this one but am not going to speak of it yet but it will keep me working productively!

You may wonder how revamping myself is going to help with my anxiety? Well it wont cure it, but I expect it might help as it will help me to make some changes in my life, to try new things and possibly even grow as a person and meet new people. While cleaning up my life may be a small first step for me in battling my anxiety, it is a step. It is seeing a light a the end of the tunnel, it is embracing change, it is a way to love me again and let me relax, and it is building an outlet for me to focus on when I am anxious so I don't just stay paralyzed with anxiety. This is my first step forward to freedom and a happier me.

So after reading above it looks like I am searching for a life ring. The fundamentals seem to be I feel trapped by my current circumstances, I am unhappy, I do not take pride in myself anymore, my relationships are crumbling and important people in my life have become draining, I worry constantly about my baby and fur baby and I feel like I am not being challenged in a way that I want and that my needs, wants and dreams are being sidelined constantly.

I am giving myself until September 5th 2016 to make a large change and course of action before doing any drastic changes.

So here are my smaller goals

I will loose 30 pounds
I will go out once a week for a treatment of some sort
I will set 3 small household goals a day
I will set one larger goal a day
I will do something awesome with my daughter every day

Fear-pure and simple

Tonight my stomach went to my mouth, literally as I sat by my computer talking to my sisters big sister. I send a message to her now and again saying hi and how are you. Tonight's response was scary, she was having possible complications and was in an ambulance. I was shocked, stunned and trying to run through my head what to say because my brain was just saying "oh fuck no, not yours too!"

I made sure to skirt my all time loathed line of "it will be okay" and "don't worry". I really tried to say the right thing, like "expect these monitors", "I know its scary", and "you are in an ambulance, you are under good care and doing everything you can" sort of stuff. I know it wasn't all that comforting but I cant make a stupid fufu promise that could be a lie.

While the messages stopped and she was being checked out, I mentally relived my loss over an over as my daughter kicked me while snuggling into the crook in my arm. My brain went through the timeline of how much time each thing took from being told my son had died to the blood work and ultrasounds that followed.

I was glued to my computer, impatiently waiting; praying that she didn't join this exclusive club of bereaved mothers (and I am not religious, but on the off chance, I am not above a simple prayer).

It seemed like a century to hear back- her baby was fine. but my brain was still in fear mode, comfort mode and above all protection mode. I sat on the couch wondering how many of my friends felt the same devastation and and reminiscence when they heard of our loss. I am pretty sure all of the other mothers who are members of our little club must have.

The raw side of love can be green...

Baby showers after a loss are hard, heartbreaking, nerve wracking, happy, loving, terrifying events and you pray they end fast or that you can leave quickly. You want to show the person how happy and excited you are for them and you are happy for them. But sometimes its hard- very hard to be a part of. I remember being at my sisters baby shower and waddling around. I was trying to run a game my mom had asked me to do for her and feeling my stomach and my heart were going to lay on the floor; I didn't want to be there. Later as she unwrapped her gifts it was lovely to see and be excited for her, her little Brookie or Ben; it was lovely to see everyone so excited for her too. Along with those feelings there was still this jealous green goblin in me, and she had been with me since I found out my sister was pregnant.

This may sound self centered but keep in mind a handful of months before I had been cradling my gorgeous but dead baby boy. I had gone through the entire pregnancy, labored, delivered him and praying that he really would be okay and the doctors were wrong. Yet, I was asked to run a baby shower in the same place mine had been for my son a year before for my sister who is almost 6 years my junior, who didn't wan't a baby (before) and didn't seem to comprehend the gift of motherhood. It seemed like a cruel and sick torture forced upon me by my mother. I really wanted to go home, and hide.

I managed to keep it together, to hide my fear and to avoid to people about my growing belly mostly because no one wanted to ask about it (probably in case for some horrid reason I would loose another baby).

Fast forward 17 months from this.

To this day, baby showers freak me out a bit. People want to touch my daughter at them now  (I'm not overly comfortable with strangers with my kid and shes currently 15 almost 16 months old and adorable). I don't like the anxiety they cause me but it has lessened with time. When a loss mama declines an invite to a baby-shower, please go easy on her; she still loves you and wants you and your baby to have every happiness. It is however an emotional minefield, and some days the added emotions can be overwhelming.