Dear Mitchell
We have been together for almost 34 weeks now and I can not wait to hold you. You have become so real to me, your movements and kicks; when you don’t cause me some discomfort for long periods I worry, and can’t sleep.
Since finding out you are coming into our lives things have changed. My sole goal was school, and keeping your Dad as happy as possible. You have shown me a different world already that I had been missing. We moved back to what feels like the family compound, the Co-op, where I grew up with my mom and my Grandma. I wouldn’t want anything else for you, family is the most important thing you can have in your life. I hope we support you well enough for you to see that too.
Your Grandma Bevan used to go on before you were conceived that you were already loved although you weren’t even here yet, how true those words are you will never know. We are all so excited for your arrival. I hope you know how much you are loved my little one, now and always.
In just four and a half weeks from this I lost him forever.
It took me so long to get here but this is the letter I wrote to my son last week, getting to this point took me two years
I stopped fearing death the day I lost you
I just saw it as one day I would know where you are.
The day you died I wanted to follow
Then I realized I would make my own mother feel how I did
I still feel lonely, but the room has become less dark over time.
The day you died, I lost myself too. I don't know who I am now but I am stronger than before.
I love deeper than before, and my priorities changed. Thank you for these gifts, though I would have preferred you.
Your sister is amazing, you would have loved her, she looks so much like you.
She loves books and cuddles and will only sleep with someone next to her.
Your dog adores her too, your cat... he is a cat.
She has been a blessing but the whole time I was pregnant with her I was terrified I would loose her too.
Since she has been here I am still afraid of loosing her.
Peoples words hurt more than they should about my decisions with her,
and I am more protective of her than people think I should be.
I hover between wanting to be a helicopter parent and trying to not be one;
the balancing act is difficult.
None of this is your fault but it has made me very aware of my decisions as a parent.
I love you Mitchell and Mommy always will.
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